You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
