Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
