I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
