You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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