And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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