I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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