I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
