I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
