he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
