It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
