ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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