so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
