i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
