onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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