Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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