i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Do you remember whose house we're in?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
