i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
