How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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