I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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