just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
