I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize