Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
