happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
