3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i love accidental penises.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
