A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
