If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
