remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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