i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
