ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
