i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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