i was born a porn star she said
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
