So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
