I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Randomize
