just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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