I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
