Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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