24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize