"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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