We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
