apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
