Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
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