i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
