So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Randomize
