hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize