I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
