The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
