You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
