There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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