At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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