Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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