I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
