First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize