Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
